Do I Even Study

Posted on 28-10-2014

Hello guys,

I find just about every excuse to procrastinate and have been stuck on this one study topic for the past 3 days lol.  help.

Anyway I was reading back on some old posts and my friends posts because I’m a stalker and it’s so funny how things change.  And it’s also funny how things don’t.

Like… in 2010 the iPad just came out.  WTF.  I feel like my mind is stuck in the 2000’s cause when I see ‘2010’ or whatever doesn’t feel that long ago but actually 4 years is quite a long time.  So much can change in just 4 years.  There were no iPads 4 years ago and people were still making fun of the name.  Now it’s just a commonly accepted product.  Almost 4 years ago, I started dating Bryan.  I was friends, but not yet best friends, with Calene.  I was still in high school.  My dad was still very sick.  I hadn’t even properly met many of the people who I now consider my good friends.  I didn’t have a Macbook.

But I think since like, long ago.  I have always been the same inside… the way I type is very similar, even since Grade 6.  But of course you learn things.  Your decisions become smarter, that’s for sure.  Like, I made so many dumb choices looking back… things I will readily admit to regretting, but at the same time these are the things that made me who I am, in the end.  I think I have improved myself, growing up.  I’m not so timid although I still struggle to socialise and connect with people LOL.  Like, it has never ever come naturally to me.  I’m not sure if that’s just how my brain is wired or what.  But socialising is something I really have to push myself to do, unless I feel close enough to the person, which only happens if I am able to socialise enough with them in the first place to become close.

Anyway, no matter how much time goes by I feel like feelings are still the same.  Heck, 4 years ago, I was confused about what I wanted to do after graduating High School.  I was worried about what course I should take.  I was stressing about VCE.  In the present, I’m still stressing and slightly confused about my future but I feel much more comfortable about it having experienced new things like student society life and work and stuff.  So now, I feel like I’ll be okay even if the path I’m walking looks a little blurry.

Another thing I found interesting was the fact that even in 2010 my routine was still the same as it is now.  Before bed: chat on msn/skype, shower, watch subscriptions on Youtube, sleep late.  Still living by the same “everything balances out” theory, kind of.

But yeah.  I don’t know what the point of this post is.  I wish I could stick to blogging routines better and take nice photos and stuff.  Procrastinating.

P.S. I cringe when I see other people mix up their “Your” and “You’re”‘s.  But I cringe even more when that person is me, LOL.

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Corporate Dinner: Learning, Stressing Out & Nerves

Posted on 13-08-2014 | Tags: ,

Omg guys. Corporate Dinner is TODAY. I’m still up at freaking 3am because I was preparing 100 name tags, like 50 place cards, finishing the Corporate Dinner booklet and overall handling various issues that have reallyyy tested me.  Finding myself frustrated when people ask me to do more things because they don’t seem to realise how much I am actually doing atm?!  I haven’t even had time to breathe ide.  If I wasn’t working on the booklet or the table seating arrangement (which was EXTREMELY frustrating, by the way), I was working on my presentation for Friday with my group member Jack, or dealing with emails or last minute issues.

Exhausting.  I am really exhausted.

Like legit.  The table seating arrangements nearly made me cry because they’re so annoying.  People have dietary requirements, people don’t give us those dietary requirements until it’s already sent in, people back out last minute or request seating changes or whatever.  There is nothing more annoying in this world, I swear.  I spent like a week doing this and then a rep backs out and my perfect preference arrangement is ruined.  Oh well, luckily Bryan saved the day and contacted his cousin who found us a replacement yay!

So, besides that drama, I decided since I’m insane, to take on making the Corporate Dinner Booklet.  It was only supposed to be a casual thing, nothing too fancy… but somehow I got really into making it so I’m excited to print it out because, as I keep telling people, it’s my baby.  I’m proud of it!  As some of you may know, I’ve always wanted to like publish my own like… magazine thing because I find designing them really fun.  I’ve always been a bit of a noob at InDesign, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to try to learn how to use the program because I never understood why it was so popular in like, the magazine/book industry.  I wondered what made it different from say, Photoshop or Illustrator.  WELL GUYS I FINALLY KNOW AFTER 8 YEARS OF DESIGNING LOL.

I’m so glad that I’ve learnt something so useful from this.  Lemme explain to you what makes InDesign different to PS and Illustrator.
As you probs know, InDesign lets you make booklets with multiple pages.  So what, right?

Well InDesign has this thing called ‘Master Pages’ which is basically a page where you can make a template to ensure consistency – NTS: learn how to make this template show up above other objects.

Anyway, that isn’t even the best part about it.  InDesign is the best, because you can put a bunch of info in an excel spreadsheet and do a thing called ‘Data Merge’ to import all that info into the areas you specify!  And it can even put in a whole folder of images for you, automatically.  What even.  2 years ago I was making name tags one by one.  SO THIS IS HOW THEY PRINT INDIVIDUAL TICKET NUMBERS?!  So many revelations just from making this booklet.

Anyway yeah I can’t sleep, even though I’m exhausted.  At least I had dinner with Bryan today.  I even drove him home! (on my Ls with my wonderful mum) … I think that was the first time I have driven so far at night time.  We didn’t die at least hahahah.

Oh also I have lost my dress which I’m meant to wear to CD, FML.  I don’t know what to do… I might just go to Portmans and buy a dress in the morning, sigh.  Why am I such a messy person?  Can’t even find it even though I dug through like all my clothes.  More things to frustrate me in this time of stress.  I definitely learnt how to deal with external problems though… those things that you have no control over.  Sometimes it’s better to just… not get ahead of yourself.  Don’t try to be super organised and a perfectionist because in the end, everything gets changed last minute anyway.  It’s better to just relax and not have to deal with everything.

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Sleeping Habits

Posted on 10-11-2013

I have another exam on Tuesday, then one next week.  I’m so relieved the worst week is over!

So I haven’t been posting very interesting things lately.  I read back on some of my posts.  I’m really glad I went through the effort to take photos for my other posts.

I tend to sway in and out of these updating frenzies, then I return to this state of… zombie-ness.  It’s ridiculous how long it’s been since I’ve done a proper video or a Makeup Monday.  I CRAI EVERY TIME.  As soon as exams are over I’m going to go nuts with recording and editing and stuff.  I REALLY hope this new mac update didn’t mess up both iMovie and Final Cut Pro or somebody gonna get hurt real bad.

Anyway, I go through so many ~phases~ in my blog, but life generally remains the same.  I’ve actually had this Korea post in my drafts for a long time, I wanted to edit the photos but well, life has been stressful.  So stressful that my skin is breaking out and I have even bigger bags under my eyes than normal.  I have insomnia or something.

Something weird happened to me a few days ago, before my law exam.  I think it must be due to stress; when I’m stressed out I tend to obsess over a lot of random things.  I was trying to force myself to fall asleep, to get back into my normal pattern.  Y’know when you close your eyes and it’s not exactly pitch black but there’s those dots of color and stuff?  (I kind of imagine that as seeing the inside of my eyelids, is that what it is?)  Well, every time I closed my eyes, my eyeballs didn’t know where to look… like I kept looking up or down… too far up or too far down that my eyes started to hurt.  So I got scared of closing my eyes.

I had to tire myself out so they would close naturally to fall asleep, which wasn’t until like 4am.


I’m quite sad that I haven’t been able to go out for the past few days… I’ve pretty much been hibernating from the world.  And I do this to myself because I have to.  If I go out, I can NEVER do any work.  Even if I go out for say, lunch.  When I get back I can’t seem to get myself to do anything.  I feel very anti-social but there’s nothing I can do about it.  It’s been a long time since I went to visit my extended family as well.

Oops, why did this post become about my weird habits..  Oh well, it’s good to release it.  Exams will be over soon and I can get back into my normal routine where I can be bright and happy and not-crazy again LOL.  Bryan and I will be going to the Lindt Cafe after exams for this deal thingy.  I can’t wait!  As a chocolate-lover (and general dessert fanatic), I’m super looking forward to it.  Plus it’s been a while since we went out on a date.  Exams are so annoying omgah.

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Scary Dreams

Posted on 08-05-2012

So many wordy posts! Sorry, I generally like to break up my posts with a photo blog but it’s 5AM and I just had a really scary nightmare.

I was a little sick yesterday, as per usual. I’ve been taking vitamins but they don’t seem to help that much. I suppose in the long run it’s a good idea though.

I said I would go to uni today, but the lack of sleep I have gotten is making me doubtful.

I’m afraid to go back to sleep. I’m afraid to get up. Usually I don’t get scared that much by a dream. I don’t know why suddenly I’m such a wuss. I’m even slightly scared to write what happened in the dream in case it just sits here as a reminder and after I reread it I’ll have the same dream again.

But I assure you that if you were in my position, you would probably be scared by the dream too. It’s not some dream that plays on my personal fears but a dream that is just plain scary.

My eyes are so tired. I need to think of something else to dream about instead.

What am I doing even. I needed to blog. People ask me why I blog, or why blog in general. Sometimes it’s just because I like to keep a record of what happens in my life. Sometimes I blog just to share. Sometimes, like now, it’s just comforting to me.

Like I’m not going to be taken over by my nightmares because everyone, that means you dear readers, are here with me as I write this.

Now perhaps I have regained the nerve to go back to sleep.

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What are we working for?

Posted on 02-05-2012

I still have a photo blog which I need to write up about the other day. I haven’t been bothered to put the photos on my macbook yet. The good thing about my new bag is that I can actually fit my camera in it! The bad news is, despite the wider straps it still kills my back when it has weighty things inside. Sigh.

Today I was in a bad mood in the morning. Something is super wrong with me, when I get a particular kind of stressed I get this horrible feeling in my stomach and I can barely eat. I’m fine when I’m stressed about ONE thing. Like an essay. No problem. I’ll be stressed but I can handle it. But when I have a lot of things piling up or coming up, that I am very unsure of, I feel ill.

Or when theres a pressure on me. Actually I am more stressed now than I have ever been- even in VCE. You know how VCE… you work hard so you get in the path to the career you want, basically. Well since I didn’t know what I really wanted, I just studied but I relaxed as well.

University feels so much WORSE. I have this constant pressure on me to try to keep my scholarship (I know, people just think boo-hoo, first world problems) LOL but even so, when an opportunity is RIGHT THERE, in your reach and all you have to do is work to keep it- you have this WEIGHT on you. Relaxing feels terrible. It’s like you’re just wasting away your time which could be used to study. Besides this, accounting and microeconomics are two subjects which LOVE to constantly give you work. And EVERYTHING counts. You’d think it would be ok after suffering though SAC’s, but no.

Heres the big difference:
Everything is brand new in uni. VCE has units 1&2 as a preparation, which I feel, helps you to gage what they are expecting from you when you tackle assignments and tests. University has no preparation units, it all counts and you don’t even know what you’re doing.

Also the other day when I was depressed about my scores, Brandon said to me, “Don’t worry, just work harder next time.”
At that point in time, I felt like saying “I WORKED MY HARDEST ALREADY.”

But you know what? Thats never the case. You can always push yourself more.
Maybe my “best” right now isn’t cutting it. So I should try to get better than my old “best”.
WHY CAN’T I JUST WORK HARDER. I know how lucky I am and whats on the line and I still can’t seem to get myself to DO it.

I sort of know why. Unlike school, where there’s a finishing point- the end of VCE, I have come to the realisation after entering university.

That it never ends.

You don’t get to relax after school. You don’t get to relax after university.
The finishing point… there is none. There are milestones which seem like a finishing point.
But it never ends.

And I find that fact extremely demotivating. Makes me feel like, WHATS THE POINT?
What is the point of studying and studying.

Striving to get the wealthy so we can stop one day?
Striving to do well do we can do what we want?
To get what we want?

How many people actually get to a point like that? Your life is almost over by the time you get there.

Even if we do well, it doesn’t mean we’ll enjoy whatever we’re doing in the future.

The whole thought of how the future will be, working all the damn time, just makes me sigh a billion times over.
If someone knows what we are working for, please tell me.

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