Archive for the ‘Unbottling’ Category

Scary Dreams

May 8th, 2012 by Meg

So many wordy posts! Sorry, I generally like to break up my posts with a photo blog but it’s 5AM and I just had a really scary nightmare.

I was a little sick yesterday, as per usual. I’ve been taking vitamins but they don’t seem to help that much. I suppose in the long run it’s a good idea though.

I said I would go to uni today, but the lack of sleep I have gotten is making me doubtful.

I’m afraid to go back to sleep. I’m afraid to get up. Usually I don’t get scared that much by a dream. I don’t know why suddenly I’m such a wuss. I’m even slightly scared to write what happened in the dream in case it just sits here as a reminder and after I reread it I’ll have the same dream again.

But I assure you that if you were in my position, you would probably be scared by the dream too. It’s not some dream that plays on my personal fears but a dream that is just plain scary.

My eyes are so tired. I need to think of something else to dream about instead.

What am I doing even. I needed to blog. People ask me why I blog, or why blog in general. Sometimes it’s just because I like to keep a record of what happens in my life. Sometimes I blog just to share. Sometimes, like now, it’s just comforting to me.

Like I’m not going to be taken over by my nightmares because everyone, that means you dear readers, are here with me as I write this.

Now perhaps I have regained the nerve to go back to sleep.


What are we working for?

May 2nd, 2012 by Meg

I still have a photo blog which I need to write up about the other day. I haven’t been bothered to put the photos on my macbook yet. The good thing about my new bag is that I can actually fit my camera in it! The bad news is, despite the wider straps it still kills my back when it has weighty things inside. Sigh.

Today I was in a bad mood in the morning. Something is super wrong with me, when I get a particular kind of stressed I get this horrible feeling in my stomach and I can barely eat. I’m fine when I’m stressed about ONE thing. Like an essay. No problem. I’ll be stressed but I can handle it. But when I have a lot of things piling up or coming up, that I am very unsure of, I feel ill.

Or when theres a pressure on me. Actually I am more stressed now than I have ever been- even in VCE. You know how VCE… you work hard so you get in the path to the career you want, basically. Well since I didn’t know what I really wanted, I just studied but I relaxed as well.

University feels so much WORSE. I have this constant pressure on me to try to keep my scholarship (I know, people just think boo-hoo, first world problems) LOL but even so, when an opportunity is RIGHT THERE, in your reach and all you have to do is work to keep it- you have this WEIGHT on you. Relaxing feels terrible. It’s like you’re just wasting away your time which could be used to study. Besides this, accounting and microeconomics are two subjects which LOVE to constantly give you work. And EVERYTHING counts. You’d think it would be ok after suffering though SAC’s, but no.

Heres the big difference:
Everything is brand new in uni. VCE has units 1&2 as a preparation, which I feel, helps you to gage what they are expecting from you when you tackle assignments and tests. University has no preparation units, it all counts and you don’t even know what you’re doing.

Also the other day when I was depressed about my scores, Brandon said to me, “Don’t worry, just work harder next time.”
At that point in time, I felt like saying “I WORKED MY HARDEST ALREADY.”

But you know what? Thats never the case. You can always push yourself more.
Maybe my “best” right now isn’t cutting it. So I should try to get better than my old “best”.
WHY CAN’T I JUST WORK HARDER. I know how lucky I am and whats on the line and I still can’t seem to get myself to DO it.

I sort of know why. Unlike school, where there’s a finishing point- the end of VCE, I have come to the realisation after entering university.

That it never ends.

You don’t get to relax after school. You don’t get to relax after university.
The finishing point… there is none. There are milestones which seem like a finishing point.
But it never ends.

And I find that fact extremely demotivating. Makes me feel like, WHATS THE POINT?
What is the point of studying and studying.

Striving to get the wealthy so we can stop one day?
Striving to do well do we can do what we want?
To get what we want?

How many people actually get to a point like that? Your life is almost over by the time you get there.

Even if we do well, it doesn’t mean we’ll enjoy whatever we’re doing in the future.

The whole thought of how the future will be, working all the damn time, just makes me sigh a billion times over.
If someone knows what we are working for, please tell me.


Graduation & Explanation

October 21st, 2011 by Meg

[I lost the post where I explained my dad's illness, he had his liver transplant on my graduation night.]

In the end, I guess it really was just an outburst. I feel a bit better, so far life has been kinder.

There’s a lot of stuff going on with my dad. Hard decisions. But in the end, he had his transplant and the doctors say it’s looking good, though it’s still early stages.

Graduation was amazing. I was lucky to be able to go, since I saw my dad in the morning and missed the last day of school. I was quite sad to miss it, but with grad, shirt signing day, the breakfast and muck up day coming up, I suppose it’s okay— there are other occasions. So he went in the operating theatre only an hour or so before Shruthi’s dad was going to come pick me up to take us both to get our hair done.

It might seem really insensitive of me to continue with school events when my dad is so sick, but in truth, the operation goes for like 8-12 hours. In fact, last time he had is operation it went on far longer than usual. There’s nothing I can do in that time except worry, AND my mum needed to sleep because she didn’t get much rest in the last few days. So we went home. Grad prep was the perfect temporary distraction anyway.

So, Shoo and I got our hair done. Mine hurt quite a bit when she curled mine because my recently redyed hair was a little dry and stuck. At first I was like, “why am I paying them to curl my hair when I can do it myself?”
But they do really pretty stuff at the back that I wouldn’t be able to do alone anyway. So it was worth it.

Dropped Shoo off at her makeup appointment and I went home to do mine. Got all ready and then I tried to change my earrings for the first time since getting them pierced. Well, my mum did. The stupid lady did the first piercing at an angle so it hurts like crazy to put a new one in. Bled. The right ear was okay.

The issue was with taking the piercing earrings off. They put this cap at the back which is quite difficult to remove so that it doesn’t fall off.

But it hurt SO much trying to get it off. More than the actual piercing hurt. I couldn’t get the earring out. It’s one of those “pop” cap lids which you have to pull to get off. I kept envisioning it ripping my ear, eugh. So it was very difficult trying to put enough pressure on it to remove it, without hurting my ear.

It was one way or another. I removed it but my ear hurt like a bitchh. That set it off: the pressures of school and the worries about my dad and the stress of it all. It had built up and that tiny earring issue was the catalyst. Luckily I hadn’t done my eyeliner or I would have massive raccoon eyes for grad. For some reason I couldn’t stop crying, and I tried so hard to make it stop. Only a couple of minutes until the limo was booked as well, which added to the stress and panic. I just cried and I hated looking at myself cry in the mirror. I was telling myself to stop, like I had to physically say it. Very weird moment.

After I calmed a bit, I was scared to put in the new left earring because it bled, but I had to do it or the hole would close over. Eventually, after a heap of breaking down and yelling at inanimate objects, I put the pretty earrings Bryan got me for my birthday in.

They are white-gold, little swirly hearts with a tiny diamond in each. I really love them, he actually remembered what jewellery I like which I thought was very sweet.

I suppose I shouldn’t go off on a tangent but like at every event, I have to thank Bryan for being a good boyfriend. Because he still puts up with my breakdowns after eight months and although I may get mad at him sometimes, he has my best interests at heart and loves me. So thank you, and I love you too <3

Anyway after the earring drama my aunty and uncle, who often help out, took me to Emmy’s house for pre-grad photos and limo.
The girls really were very beautiful when I arrived. Took some photos on the lawn in front of the limo.

Jasmine didn’t go to grad, since she’s doing a split year, but she came to pre-grad photos as she helped Emmy with makeup and such. We were all ready to go, but Shefali was late; very late. So we waited for her and she came running in her heels, haha.

Then it was time to go. Inside the limo there was karaoke. LOL, quite terrible quality but it was fun anyway.
The chauffeur was actually nice this time, unlike the one we had at formal.

After some out-of-tune singing and pointing and claiming pretty houses, we arrived.

The place was a lot nicer than all the other venues we have been to. The reception was nice and prettily decorated with classic, victorian-style features. Well they looked victorian to me. They had yummy little snacks, and actually, I thought all the food was quite good surprisingly. I didn’t like my main though, I hate beef and wanted the chicken. Actually, I like beef but I’m very picky about what cut I like. Restaurants never do it the way I like, though.

Anyway in the reception they took our coats. I looked around and I managed to find, who else, but Bryan holding a little bouquet of yellow roses for me. He said he picked them, haha. And they smelled nice too. LOL, naw it was so cute, I actually found the fact that he used a rubber band to hold them together even more adorable. /end girlyness

This event we decided to stick to our friendship groups when it came to tables, that is, all my girls and all his guys. Next up there was that photo presentation thingy. And after that there was time to take photos. The rest of the night was sort of everywhere, I’ll just sum up: recieved graduation cert plus special pen, food, dancing. Danced with my friends first, then for the later part of the night with Bryan, then with Bryan and his friends who are also my friends, haha.


Phase

October 19th, 2011 by Meg

fjsjdjkdks sometimes i go crazy.
Highly stressed out, but too tired to do shit about it.
I cant be fucked anymore.
I really can’t.

All these people talking about how much they’re preparing for exams and studying so hard; actually puts me off studying for some reason. I’m sick of this, why does the school have to make me do all this stuff that isn’t necessary?

I haven’t had time to do anything about exams. And all this freaking pressure from everyone.
I don’t want to go home.
I’ll do shit-all at home.
Maybe I should just live in the library. My parents go, “Why can’t you study at home?”
And I honestly tell them that I just can’t anymore, they say, “You could before! How did you study last year?! Blahblah-bs-reallydunnoanythingaboutyouatall.”
Then they keep making damn assumptions that I’m not doing work in the library or not doing work because I’m not a home.
Level of frustration?
I can’t even put the teeth-grinding feeling into numbers.
I hate being underestimated. And being overestimated is just embarassing.

Oh god.
How do I stop digging this hole I have started. Diving into the ground with no brakes.

Sometimes I wonder how I can be so damn selfish; so high and mighty, to think I’m worth so much that I could ask such a thing. That’s how it is when you’re in this state I’m in. The state where you get home and you break. And then tomorrow it’s okay, really okay. Until you get home and you break again.

But why is it so hard to lean on you.
Why do you let me down, why are you not there.

And you, why did you forget.
When I never do.

Why am I always taken forgranted.
Why am I okay to let it go on like that.
Because it’s ending soon? Because I’ll probably hardly ever speak to you again?

Why do I give a fuck.

It can be hard to read a blog like this, I think. As an almost stranger, you read it, think it’s just another bunch of words that can’t be real, then go back to life.

Because peoples feelings aren’t real.
Are they?